At the start of this article let’s agree on one thing, OK?
We are creatures of habit.
Now, if you disagree with that premise, reading the rest of this article will probably be a waste of your time.
But, if you agree with me on that point, even if not fully, then I am quite confident you are going to get some solid information to help you kick porn addiction and how the recovery process works for people.
Like I mentioned in the title, you will have both breakthroughs and breakdowns. What I didn’t mention in the title, because it would have made it too long is; you will feel really terrific at times, and at times a little nuts, a little squirrelly, there is no way around it.
Let’s start with the “why.”
Why do we have these sorts of emotional swings when we’re in recovery from addictions like porn, gambling or food?
The reason is simple: new experiences, even positive ones require us to think and behave differently and many of these thoughts and feelings we’ve never had before or only on rare occasions.
Our everyday lives and ways of existing become what is called “compartmentalized.”
There are certain subjects and issues in life that we deal with on a regular basis, but there are others we avoid. We all do this, and it’s a very practical way of functioning. None of us can address all the different challenges we face in our lives at the same time.
In order to get things accomplished we need to put some things off to the side for a period of time. We need to prioritize what we will tackle on any given day.
Serious problems will arise if we put off dealing with certain issues for too long. The opposite is also true; trying to solve all our problems all at once will create massive stress that burns us out.
So...we all compartmentalize and if done well, it’s a very healthy way of functioning.
So imagine your life is like a house.
In your house there are many rooms.
In one of your rooms, you have the issue of porn addiction. Perhaps this issue is something you haven’t been willing to deal with for a long time, maybe years? The door has been boarded up and has tape on it saying “Do Not Enter, Danger Area!”
Do you get the picture?
In the simplest terms, the recovery process is the process of opening up that compartmentalized door in your life and taking a look inside. This is the scary part, and exhilarating!
“I feel sad.”
Guess how old I was when I was first able to say that phrase out loud.
-
-
-
-
-
-
41.
-
-
-
-
It took me until the age of 41 to say “I feel sad,” out loud!?!?!
In reading this it, it may not seem like such a big deal, but it sure was to me.
There was no one else in the room at the time. I needn’t be worried about what another person thought of me because I was all by myself. It was a very awkward and empowering feeling to say these words out loud. I finally got out the words that I had been conditioned to believe were not acceptable. I was a guy, and guys don’t express sadness. Big boys don’t cry. Stiff upper lip and all that jazz.
I actually thought that lightening might come down and strike me because I had broken some iron clad rule for men. Seriously!
At that moment in time, I was going through the process of recovering from conditioned stupidity.
I was allowing myself to feel sad and not making up excuses for being a normal human. If it was OK for others to feel sad, why not me? I had known for years that it was OK, but I needed to prove it to myself by my actions and not simply by my mental acceptance of the facts.
I had opened the door of “sadness” and taken a look around. I found out there was a lot of sadness/hurt/pain/regret in that room of mine because I had been hiding it away for decades and not dealing with it. I also felt great relief because looking in that room enabled me to take charge of that area of my life and not be held captive by it like I had been in past.
So... I was able to find the courage to open the door to “sadness” in my life.
As much of a breakthrough as that was, it came in large part because a few years earlier I had an epiphany of sorts. I can’t take credit for the insight, that I must credit to a personal development coach I was working with who said to me one day, “I experience you as someone who hides behind their laughter.” Bullseye!
Several years before I was able to start the process of speaking openly about my sadness, I had started to take a closer look at my hang up of “hiding behind my laughter.” If my life was in fact a house, my room of “laughter,” was a “go to” place for me.
Feeling sad/disappointed/hurt Chris? Just got ripped off or burned by someone you trusted? Brush it off with a joke. Tell yourself it’s “no big deal.” Compartmentalize that acute pain you feel and pretend like you’re all right. Maybe smoke a joint. Maybe take in some porn. Just do something to forget about it, and something would far too often be something addictive that would simply be avoiding the issue.
So, how about you...can you relate to the experiences I’ve mentioned?
Do you have some doors in your life that are barred and barricaded that you’ve been hesitant to enter?
If so, welcome to normal.
It’s normal to want to avoid pain.
It’s normal to feel fear as it relates to new experiences and addressing difficult problems.
The most important question you need to answer is “what do you want?”
You are reading this article because you have a problem with porn and the site you’re on is dedicated to helping people break free of this addictive habit.
But what is most important is for you define first what it is you want and then we’ll talk about what it is going to cost you. Once you have defined these two things, you will be better able to decide if you are willing to pay the price or not.
First, do you have a strong enough “why?”
The stronger your “why” the more productive you’re “how.”
The internet is packed with simplified solutions of how to kick porn addiction, but if it was so easy, how come so few people are able to do it?
It’s important to not underestimate the difficulty of this journey you are looking to take.
So...why do you want to kick your porn addiction? Stop for a moment and think this through. Ideally, I would suggest you create a list with as many reasons why as possible. The more reasons you have the more motivated you will be when the going gets rough.
My own journey in addiction recovery began at the age of 24.
I was watching a documentary on reforming criminals. I found the topic interesting, but it was what the judge they were interviewing said that changed my life. People who were incarcerated for committing crimes would go through reform programs that were well structured and seemed effective, and yet 85% of those those who had served jail time found themselves back in jail. The judge felt the main problem was they were sending the people back into the same communities/environments that had created the unlawful behaviour in the first place.
A massive light bulb went off in my head!
I had been trying to change my behaviours for about 3 years at that time, from age of 21 until 24, but I continued to hang out with the same people. I wanted to follow Christ, but I kept hanging out with unbelievers. I wanted to stop drinking and smoking pot and cigarettes, but my closest friends smoked and drank regularly.
One year later, at the age of 25, I had another huge insight.
I was socializing with 2 family members and 2 close friends. It was the weekend and I was the only person out of the group of five of us that had to get up in the morning to go to work. My alarm would go off at 6 am.
After a couple of beers, and a bit of weed, I was all through by 10 o’clock. I was relaxed and enjoying the visit. From 10 o’clock onward, I would make an occasional mention to the group that I needed to get up in the morning. We were in my house so I was making polite suggestions to them. I must have had a time in mind that I wanted to turn in, but they certainly didn’t.
They finally ran out of beer at 3 am, and on a couple hours of sleep, I made it through the next work day.
The insight I had from that night came at about 1:30 in the morning. I looked at all the four people I was socializing with and it dawned on my that all of them had alcoholic parents, either one of both of their parents. This was a really sobering moment for me, no pun intended.
I knew I couldn’t do this much longer. Something had to change. By the age of 28, I had the opportunity to move to another part of the country and start again, and I did. I loved these people, I still do...but a price needed to be paid and I had decided to pay it.
I was taking charge of my life like I had never done in the past.
The pain of not changing was bigger than the pain of changing.
How about you? Where are you in this journey of recovery? What action steps have you taken to help yourself along? Why is it important to you to find ways to kick this addiction?
At the beginning of my journey from recovery I knew very little. I knew I wanted a life without hang overs and the dragged out feelings that are a result of smoking marijuana. I wanted to follow Jesus. I wanted victory over pornography and the sense of shame I felt from needing it to make myself feel better.
The main reasons why I wanted these things is based on being honest. I wanted to be honest with myself, about myself. I wanted to be able to look myself in the mirror and say “good job Chris,” and really mean it. I wanted to stop hiding my addictions and simply deal with them straight up. I wanted to break out of what I mentioned earlier as “conditioned stupidity,” and talk about my feelings of being scared or sad or whatever normal humans feel at different times.
I wanted to stop pretending and simply be real. I was tired of the phoniness that is so pervasive in society, so what did I do, I accepted Jesus and joined the church!
I found out pretty quick that Jesus was awesome but my desire for high levels of open and honest dialogue about difficult challenges that I had faced while being an unbeliever were not welcomed with open arms by most people. I came to recognize that this wasn’t because most of the people in the typical church setting didn’t care, it was just that they didn’t know how address these sorts of problems with me because they hadn’t dealt with them for themselves.
We can’t lead others someplace we’ve never been.
The cost to me, over the last 3 decades of recovery, has been high.
Only a small percentage of people want to address these difficult societal issues surrounding porn/gambling/food addiction.
Sadly, even less so in the church community at large.
My insistence on being real about my shortcomings caused a lot of people close to me to get very angry with me. I wasn’t asking them to change, but the change that I was going through and the new ways of looking at the world caused them great discomfort. Long standing relationships needed adjustment simply because I was no longer the same person I used to be. On one hand my growth was encouraged, while on the other it was discouraged.
I found myself being comfortable bringing up the uncomfortable.
Many people wanted me to shut up.
Conversely, as I mentioned earlier in the article, I felt high levels of discomfort because these new ideas and ways of looking at the world caused new feelings to arise. Some of them I didn’t like at all!!!!
I was paying the price of growth in the area of addictive behaviours and living a God honouring life. I had the benefit of extensive athletic training so I knew well the price of sore muscles and physical fatigue. I got better and better over time dealing with the issues of mental and emotional fatigue from tackling tough personal issues.
Breakthroughs and Breakdowns.
Breakthrough = A new insight
Breakdown = the dismantling and/or destruction of the old beliefs and behaviours patterns and the subsequent feelings that accompany them.
The process is same as the tearing of muscle tissues during vigorous physical activity. Kicking porn addiction requires a tearing process similar if not exactly the same as building new muscles through exercise.
In closing, there is no end point. Sorry.
The only end point is death and heaven and a glorious resurrection. I will continue to deal with my shortcomings as it relates to sexual sin/porn addiction until the day I day. It is wildly pervasive in our society and just the other day while watching an old mini series about spying from the cold war era of the 20th century, the producers of the movie injected some straight up porn. I could not see what it added to the story line in any possible way, but there it was. I felt my blood pressure rise and I was staring temptation right in the eye. Suddenly, without warning, there were attractive, naked women right before me.
Welcome to a pornified culture.